Steve Harwell, rapper in the terrible, now-defunct rap group F.O.S., was destined for greatness. After putting that shitty project in his rear view mirror, a determined Harwell had only one vision pushing him forward: To create an even shittier, more mainstream sound featuring bad vocals, frosted tips and bowling shirts. In 1994, his dream was finally realized: Smash Mouth. It was Harwell, nay, this Shakespeare of Retro Beach Rock, who penned the lyrical masterpiece All Star. Move over, Beatles.
Actually, if Nickelback, Creed, or the Eagles had never existed, then Smash Mouth would be the clear favorite for worst band in the history of the universe. For now, we'll have to settle on a 4-way tie. That may sound harsh, but almost everyone who knows me also knows that I have no love lost for Smash Mouth. Even if you don't feel as strongly as I do, hopefully we can all find common ground and agree that their music is terrible. Smash Mouth is the Guy Fieri of music. There, I said it.
My disdain for Smash Mouth dates all the way back to January 1998. Maine had just experienced one of the worst ice storms in history, and almost all of southern Maine was without power...and I had been trapped right in the middle of it. When I awoke and went outside the morning following the storm, it was like a war zone; power lines were down, ice-glazed tree branches were scattered all over the place, and roads and walkways were luge tracks. The 1987 Buick Skyhawk 'T-Type' (affectionately nicknamed the DeLorean) I had been driving had been undamaged by the elements, but there was a 1.5 INCH COATING OF ICE on my car. Unfortunately all of my ice removal gear (gloves, scrapers, running heater) was INSIDE the car. I can't remember exactly how long it took me to chip away the ice around the door handle and door frame with a butter knife and a frozen piece of tar, but it was at least 30 minutes. Without gloves, in 20 degree weather. When I opened the door, my first order of business was to turn my car on, to let my heater do most of the remaining work. What should happen to come on the radio when I started up the DeLorean? None other than Smash Mouth's first hit, Walking on the Sun. What a bunch of dicks! Some things you can't unremember from your memory. Thanks for rubbing in how nice southern California is in January, jerks.
Cookbook:
Much like Smash Mouth, their cookbook Recipes From the Road is very colorful and loud. The recipes are well laid out and broken down by country region within the US. A caveat: much like Smash Mouth's approach to 'their' hits I'm A Believer, Why Can't We Be Friends and Can't Get Enough of You Baby, all of these recipes seem to be ripped from popular regional restaurants and celebrity chefs. Getting to the bottom of how they acquired the enclosed recipes would have meant reading Guy Fieri's introduction, or Smash Mouth's self-aggrandizing bio, and so I decided to live with not knowing. Hey, if the model of climbing on the backs of innovators to achieve financial success works, why change it up? Creativity is just too darned hard sometimes.
Amazingly, this cookbook was released in 2012, well past what I thought was Smash Mouth's peak of musical genius. Unless they surprise everyone with a Green Day-esque rebirth, I fear that they are on the Third Eye Blind side of their career: relegated to playing county fairs and headlining small festivals in towns that nobody has ever heard of or care about. So sad.
That said, the recipes they have chosen for this massive tome of a cookbook are fairly diverse and high quality. I'm not sure who the target demographic of this cookbook is, because 'diverse' and 'high quality' are not two descriptors with which I would label Smash Mouth's fan base. I think 'cooking' to most of them either means making meth in a camper van, or heating up a Hot Pocket in a microwave. Theme For the Evening: milk, cream, cheese, butter
Recipes:
Tony's Stuffed Mushrooms (serves 24)
24 medium sized mushrooms
1 large onion, chopped fine & sauteed until soft
1/2 cup pimientos, chopped
1 cup spinach, steamed & chopped
1 cup mozzarella cheese, shredded
1/2 cup parmesan cheese, grated
1/2 cup plain bread crumbs
1/2 cup ricotta cheese
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
additional ingredients
3/4 cup chicken stock
2 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup bread crumbs
Wash and de-stem mushrooms. Combine remaining ingredients and stuff each mushroom with approximately 2 oz of mixture. Place mushrooms in appropriately-sized baking dish and add additional ingredients and bake in a 400F oven for approximately 15-20 minutes. Garnish with fresh parsley and serve.
Thoughts: I obviously picked this appetizer because of it's name. With three cooks in the kitchen, Molly and Shelby tackled this one. And they did an amazing job! This is one of those recipes that you can have your servants show off to guests at your political fundraisers and yacht parties. It's a fairly simple recipe to make, and yet the colorful presentation and arrangement is IMPRESSIVE! The invitees will think your cooks spent three times as long prepping these. People are always impressed when you stuff food into other food, whether it's rice and beans into peppers (stuffed bell peppers), chicken and duck into a turkey (turducken), or pies stuffed into a cake (delicious). Make sure to keep your ratio of mushrooms:guests in check, because they can go from delicious to gross real fast. On a barely-related note, the late, great comedian Mitch Hedberg had a great pancake joke that always makes me think of this phenomenon.
These mushrooms were good, although they could have used a bit more savory to balance out the sweetness of the stuffing. Also, don't let them cool off too much, because room temperature stuffed mushrooms are also gross.
Penne Broccoli & Chicken (serves 6 to 8)
5 teaspoons garlic, peeled & minced
1 lemon, zested
5 tablespoons olive oil
1 lb boneless, skinless chicken breast, cubed
1 cup kitchen white wine
2 cups heavy cream
2 cups half & half
2 cups romano cheese
5 oz unsalted butter
1 lb broccoli florets
2 lb penne pasta, cooked
In a large saucepan warm olive oil over medium heat. Add chicken and garlic and cook for 2 minutes, making sure chicken is completely cooked. Deglaze with white wine. Add heavy cream and half & half to the pan, mix thoroughly. Add broccoli, cooking until warm and bright green. Add your lemon zest. Reduce by 1/3 and then add your butter, romano cheese and pasta. Transfer pasta mixture to serving dish and season with salt and pepper if desired.
Thoughts: I was in charge of the main course, although Molly was quick to jump in when there was a concern on her part that I was about to ruin dinner. This was a very rich and heavy dish, and I would advise getting a note from your doctor saying that your cholesterol levels can handle a dramatic spike before attempting to eat this. Thankfully the broccoli swimming in the ocean of creamy cheese sauce makes this a healthy choice. Overall, this is very delicious! If you like cheese and cream sauces, you will love this. On the other hand, If you happen to be lactose intolerant and walked by the kitchen while we were cooking, the lactose vapors would probably kill you, like the nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
I just want to take a moment to call bullshit on Smash Mouth's serving sizes. What I made was supposed to be for 6-8 people. 6-8 Guy Fieris, maybe. Molly, Shelby and I all served ourself a normal-to-large plate size of pasta (pictured above). I still had enough to fill a very large 7x5x5 tupperware container:
Please keep in mind that this container was full to the very top after our meal was finished. It was actually too full, and I had to eat the pasta level down (please reserve judgement) to make the lid fit. What you see above are the results from six days straight of eating it, and it's STILL HALFWAY FULL. Best leftovers ever, however - all 14,000 calories of it. I would list the realisic serving size as 'serves one moderately busy soup kitchen'.
Gooey Butter Bars
2 sticks of butter, melted & divided in half
3 eggs
1 package yellow cake mix
1 teaspoon vanilla
8 oz cream cheese
2 cups powdered sugar
Preheat oven to 350F. Combine the cake mix, half the butter and 1 egg in a medium-sized mixing bowl. Mix well with an electric mixer. Pat the mixture into the bottom of a greased 9x13 pan and set aside.
For the filling combine the rest of the butter, the cream cheese, vanilla, and powdered sugar. Mix with an electric mixer until smooth. Go slow at first so powdered sugar doesn't fly everywhere. If you want you can add sugar slowly after incorporating all the other ingredients.
Pour mixture on top of cake mixture. Bake for 30-40 minutes. Don't overbake. The middle will be very loose and gooey. This is how it's supposed to be. Remove from oven, let cool at room temperature, and serve.
Thoughts: Sweeeeeet! I think we may have discovered how high fructose corn syrup is made. Also tasty, but when is sugar not? The ingredients read like a nutritionist's worst nightmare, and the presentation above is the opposite of what is pictured in the cookbook. Perhaps we needed to throw some strawberries on top and drizzle a waffle-patterned strawberry glaze on the plate like Smash Mouth? Presentation aside, these bars were incomprehensibly rich and buttery. The texture was somewhere between cake and cheesecake. Very tasty, but also too disgustingly sweet to eat more than one or two in a sitting. If you like eating spoonfuls of sugar out of the bag and gnawing on sticks of butter, then I think I have the recipe for you.
Verdict: Smash Mouth still sucks, but at least they can steal half-decent recipes. Enthusiastic thumbs up for the stuffed mushrooms and the penne pasta, but avoid the butter bars. Just be aware of the outrageous serving sizes, and acknowledge that you are choosing to participate in a Guy Fieri-endorsed cooking project. If you can put Fieri Blinders on, this is how it will turn out:
Cookbook Variety: A- (diverse collection, although some recipes in it are surprisingly challenging)
Cost: B- (paying the dump truck to unload the cheese and dairy at my apartment wasn't cheap)
Ease & Time of Preparation: B- = (easy with 3 people helping out. Harder by yourself)
Taste: A- = (dessert brings the grade down a tick)
Bonus Grade:
Guy Fieri endorsed project: F-
Overall Grade: B- (F if you're diabetic of lactose intolerant)
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