Cooking Prep: Has any one rapper secured more notoriety by doing less? That's the question I asked myself while ordering his cookbook on Amazon. I first became aware of Coolio and his funky spiked braids during the mid-90s, with the arrival of his first hit song Fantastic Voyage. The video represented the lighter side of gangsta rap, and the plot is summed up really, really, really nicely on wikipedia:
The music video features Coolio napping on his front porch, when he gets a phone call from his friend Spoon that wakes him. Spoon asks about taking a trip to the beach, to which an annoyed Coolio responds "we ain't got no car" and hangs up on him. Suddenly a mysterious man with a 70's style suit, afro, and cane appears and turns the bicycle sitting upside down on his Coolio's driveway into a convertible car. Now with a means of transportation, Coolio and his crew head to the beach. The rest of the video features Coolio at the beach helping the crowd of passengers out of the trunk of the car for a beach party, which includes people of all races and a mariachi band. At the end of the video, the car is transformed back into a bicycle on Coolio's driveway, and Coolio is woken again by a phone call from Spoon, showing that the trip was all a dream. Coolio reminds him that they don't have a car, tells him to quit calling, and hangs up. Then Coolio looks at the bike to see the car's license plate hanging off of the bike.
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when this video idea was pitched to Coolio. Let us not forget, however, that gangsta rap video plots usually involved parties and road trips (usually in bouncing cars) with your homies, so the plot of Fantastic Voyage is not far from the gangsta norm.
A year later, Gangsta's Paradise was released, which ended up being one of the biggest rap hits of all time. While it was certainly a catchy tune, I was a bigger fan of Weird Al's spoof Amish Paradise. It's probably important to note that the success of both of these songs relied on the hard work and creative energy Coolio put into 'sampling' Lakeside's song of the same name, and Stevie Wonder's Pastime Paradise. I bring this point up for 3 reasons: 1) I've always believed sampling is the LAMEST form of musical art - get your ass to the studio and learn how to come up with melodies and rhythms on your own! 2) Pastime Paradise is a great song (off one of the best albums of all time) and should NOT be overshadowed by Coolio's facsimile. 3) Lakeside's official Fantastic Voyage video is 3 MINUTES AND 48 SECONDS OF SPARKLY FUNK PIRATES PERFORMING ON A STAGE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIRATE SHIP (I hyperlinked it above for mobile users, but embedded below for easy access - it's THAT good):
Yet another idea I would have loved to see pitched to a band. Apparently the only way to get to the 'land of funk' is via pirate ship.
Coolio was off the grid after Gangsta's Paradise...until his cookbook. This time lapse is represented below in pictures that prove not even Coolio can defeat Father Time:
 |
| Coolio |
 |
| Not so-Coolio |
In addition to cooking, nowadays Coolio and his jazz saxophonist friend Jarez (also a contributor to the cookbook) spend their time visiting colleges to talk about the harms of global warming. I'm not making this up - it's on Wikipedia so it must be true. Funny enough, one of the first lines of his cookbook is 'my specialty is making something out of nothing'. So true, Coolio. So true.
Cookbook:
It was pointed out to me by Molly that an internet source claims that this is the #8th worst item you can possibly purchase on Amazon. After using the book - spoiler alert - I beg to differ (especially since a Nicholas Cage Pillowcase is ranked at a surprisingly low #25 on this same list). I think this book has some very solid and fun recipes, and I would have been happy to select several ones other than the three I ended up choosing. The recipes are easy to follow, and the book is laced with profanity, drug references, and poor grammar - exactly what I look for in a cookbook. If you're looking to be a 'kitchen pimp', this will point you in the right direction. He 'may not be an iron chef, but he's the only chef with platinum records.'
Cooking Soundtrack: Lucius' album Wildewoman, and Coolio's Greatest Hits (all two of them)
Theme for the Evening: 'If you can't take the heat get yo' ass out the kitchen...we're on a mission!' - Fantastic Voyage
Assistance: Molly McMahon - friend, coworker, cooking enthusiast.
Recipes (3):
How long it takes: one half of a half of an hour
How much it makes: as a side, this'll serve 4
What you need:
1 head iceberg lettuce
1 cup dice, chopped, or shredded mozzarella cheese
1 large tomato, chopped
1/2 cup olive oil
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper
What to do with it:
1. Take your motherfucking fress-ass iceberg lettuce and split the head in half with a knife.
2. Cut it in half again! You've got yourself 4 wedges of lettuce now.
3. Cut each half in half. Half of a half of a half makes eight. Come on people, some basic math here!
4. Lastly, slice them 8 wedges across horizontally. This will give you some thin, finely shredded lettuce.
5. Now, if you want to save some time, then just go buy some of that pre-shredded mozzarella cheese. Coolio ain't always got time to shred.
6. Clean off that large, juicy red tomato and chop it up.
7. Toss all of you tomato, mozzarella, and lettuce into a large serving bowl.
8. Drizzle in your olive oil.
9. Toss in that balsamic vinegar.
10. Take those dime bags of salt and pepper and do it up to taste.
11. Toss, serve and enjoy. Damn that was easy.
2. Chicken a la Jarez Marsalala
How long it takes: 15 to prep, 30 to jazz it up
How much it makes: enough for 4 people to experience the Marsalalization
What you need:
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 cup white wine
1/2 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup olive oil
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1/2 medium white onion, chopped
1 cup sliced mushrooms
4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
What to do with it:
1. Take a nice-size bowl out of the cupboard and put it down on the counter, looking at all the fine-ass ingredients around you
2. Now, mix up your flour, salt, pepper, white wine, and lemon juice. Mix it up real well to make sure there are no lumps in the flour.
3. While you're letting all that stuff coagulate, pour your olive oil into a large skillet and set the fire to medium.
4. Once that oil's got some heat, throw in your garlic, onion, and all of those mushrooms.
5. Let that all heat up for 3 to 4 minutes, until the onion gets a little soft. While it's doin' that, coat your chicken with them wet ingredients we made earlier. Splash them around in a bowl to make sure everything gets covered all over.
6. Toss that chicken in the pan along with the mushrooms and all those delicious aromatics, and then pour in the wine mixture the chicken was in. Let it cook up for 7 to 9 minutes on each side, until all the pink is gone.
7. Now's the time to transfer that chicken into a baking dish. Did I mention that you should preheat the oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit? No? All right, I'm telling you now. Do it!
8. Sprinkle that delicious Parmesan cheese onto your chicken as it waits patiently in its baking dish nest. Toss that flappy bitch into the oven and let it brown for 7 to 9 minutes.
9. Grab all that deliciousness out of the oven and serve it by itself or with some pasta. Now your chicken is hotter than a hummingbird on fire. Damn!
3. Jarez Make-It-Rain Peanut Butter Cookies
How long it takes: 10 min to prep, 15 to 20 to bake, bake, bake
How much it makes: about 100 cookies
What you need:
1 cup peanut butter (I'd recommend all-natural if you can find it)
1 cup brown sugar
1 large egg
2 tablespoons ground cinnamon
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
What to do with it:
1. Get your crazy-ass oven preheated to a hot 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Combine all the ingredients into a large motherfuckin' mixing bowl.
3. Get about a teaspoonful of dough and drop it like it's hot onto a greased-up cookie sheet.
4. Bake these all up for 15 to 20 minutes. When you take 'em out, let them cill, serve them up, and impress the ladies.
* * *
I decided to go with a salad, a main, and a desert. I figured the prepared chicken dish would be too heavy to include a Coolio appetizer. The only one I really wanted to make anyway was the bacon-wrapped scallops, but that would definitely be too much. So salad it was. And the cookies would be easy to make, as I already had most of the ingredients. My goal with all of these recipes is to not destroy my grocery budget every week, and these three were very cost-efficient.
Before starting, Molly and I needed to make a run to the local Harvest Co-op down the road from my apartment to get some chicken breasts and wine. The official slogan for this place should be 'The Only Thing We Really Harvest is Your Disposable Income'. I also grabbed a bag of fancy chips so that we could finish off Ted Nugent's Santa Fe Soup...thanks to my coworker Sam, who pointed out, to my dismay, that this was actually a recipe for cheese dip.
 |
| I ate this dip as soup for dinner on Monday! |
This actually makes a very tasty dip. It also makes a very tasty 'anything but soup'. Molly suggested replacing the hamburg with spicy shredded chicken and serving it up with tortilla chips. Mmmmm!
Molly prepared the salad while I supervised her preparing the salad:
After I confirmed the salad was in good shape, I prepped the chicken, fried it up, and put it in the oven:
Prepwork was as easy as Coolio indicated it would be. Working with someone else, the salad and marsalala took about 45 minutes from starting to serving. This is probably the most complicated and satisfying dish I've ever made. I was cooking with wine, folks! Thanks Coolio!
Voila! Delicious chicken marsalalalalala! Dinner is served. Of course, this dinner isn't complete without Coolio's cookies:
 |
| NOT brownies |
Verdict: I was nervous about the amount of wine and lemon I had added to the chicken. When testing the concoction in the frying pan, the sauce tasted more like crushed up Sweet Tarts than a marsala. I checked the recipe and the measuring cups a few times to make sure I didn't confuse 1/4 with 1/3. The final served product couldn't have been better. In fact, we were all in disbelief while eating. We had assumed that Coolio would offer up terrible recipies, and laugh all the way to the bank. As we ate, apprehension gave way to raised eyebrows and head nods...and relief. This was actually a good meal!
The salad was a great complement. The only regret I have is not having another side - like a pilaf or potato - to round out the meal. Which is unfortunate, because I had 2 5lb bags of potatoes taking up space in my kitchen. The cookies went pretty fast, and I had to wait for the second batch to come out of the oven to have enough to photograph.
Grades:
Cookbook Variety: a VERY surprising A- (bumped up from a B+ because it's laced with profanity)
Cost: A- (Harvest - and the wine - made the meal a bit more expensive, but generally very affordable if one substitutes in Charles Shaw and Stop & Shop)
Ease & Time of Preparation: B (easy to make, but 45 minutes total time)
Taste: A- (Yum! coulda used another side)
Overall Grade: A- (very pleased with how everything turned out)
Bonus Grade:
Utensil Efficiency: F+
Somehow Molly and I had used almost every utensil in the apartment to make 3 simple recipes. I think the ratio of utensils to dishes was about 17:1
No comments:
Post a Comment