#4: Take A Gamble on Kenny's Pork Chops

Cooking Prep:  Kenny Rogers is the man.  Always has been.  Anyone who grew up in a country music household or in a small town during the 80s knows what I'm talking about. With his bushy Santa beard, goofy smile, easy-going demeanor, and teddy bear appeal, you had no choice but to treat Kenny Rogers like part of the family.  Uncle Kenny.  In the house, on the car radio, on the TV - Kenny Rogers' music comprised a large part of my childhood soundtrack.  His greatest hits  were synonymous with family gatherings, road trips, and community potlucks.  Until I was almost a fully formed adult, I even thought that Kenny was married to Dolly Parton - thanks to countless duets and appearances.  That's about as stable as most celebrity marriages get.  

And he's always seemed like a nice guy. In my 'research' for this post, I even Googled search terms like 'Kenny Rogers controversy', 'Kenny Rogers bad guy' and 'gambler douchebag' to make sure. Except for a little plastic surgery and 4 failed marriages, he came back pretty clean.  He even talks about smoking 'a little pot' and taking up photography to keep distracted from doing drugs and alcohol in his autobiography.  If the interwebs doesn't find a way crucify you, then you know you're in good shape.

Most people know the Gambler, but they don't know the pre-country Kenny.  Before Kenny was Kenny, he was a member of jazz, rockabilly and pop groups. He also worked as a session musician and producer. What he's probably best known for pre-K is his time as lead singer of The First Edition (1967-1976).  If you've seen The Big Lebowski (and if you haven't, stop churning butter, climb out of the root cellar, and JOIN SOCIETY), then you'll certainly remember their song Just Dropped In, which is the backdrop to a very surreal drug-induced bowling dream sequence.

If you have the time, definitely give Kenny Rogers & The First Edition a spin on Spotify.  The music is a pleasant combination of 60s pop harmonies (think Mamas & the Papas), folky country, and a pinch of trippy 70s rock.

Cookbook: 

$1.50 was a bargain

This is a great cookbook.  Simple-ish recipes and straight to the point.  Woven in amongst the bright photos of food dishes (some including conveniently-placed Kenny Rogers' tape cassettes)  are pictures of Kenny playing soccer with one of his kids, pictures of him preparing meals, and other random family photos.  The only criticism I have of this book - and it's a big one - is that the whole thing seems to be staged by Dole.  Not only is Kenny Rogers sporting a suspicious number of hawaiian shirts throughout the book, but pineapple products seem to have found their way into every dish.  Oh, and this:

I find it hard to believe that someone who was born and raised in Houston, TX would have so many pineapple-themed dishes. There's even a 'Backyard Luau' chapter, for Christ's sake. Who knows how much money DOLECORP lined Kenny's pockets with.  Not that I have a problem with any of this, mind you.  I happen to love pineapple, and so I welcome any and all dishes that include it.  Carry on Kenny.

Cooking Soundtrack: Kenny Rogers - Number Ones

Theme For the Evening: Butter.  Lots of fucking butter.  Everywhere.

Cooking Companion: Dan Cassely - long time friend, fellow former Maine-iac

Recipes:

1.  Lemon Zest Pork Chops

4 pork chops (cut 1 inch thick)

2 large cloves garlic, halved

Pepper

All-purpose flour

1 tbsp butter or margarine

1 tbsp vegetable oil

 1/2 tsps dried rosemary, crumbled

1 small onion, sliced

1 can (20oz) Dole pineapple sliced in syrup

2 tbsp currant or raspberry jam

1/2 cup pitted and halved prunes

1 1/2 tsps grated lemon peel

Make slits in the sides of pork.  Insert a garlic clove half in each.  Sprinkle chops with pepper, dust lightly with flour.  Heat butter, oil, and rosemary in skillet.  Add chops and brown on both sides.  remove from pan.  

Add onion to skillet and saute until tender but not brown.  Drain pineapple, reserving syrup.  Add reserved syrup to skillet. Stir in jam until melted.  Add prunes and lemon peel. Stir until well blended.  

Return chops to skillet; spoon sauce over chops. Top with pineapple.  Cover; simmer 10 minutes or until sauce thickens and are no longer pink near the bone.  Serves 4.

Thoughts:  This is the most complicated pork recipe I've ever made.  Usually when I cook pork chops, it's just pork with a sauce made from various common spices (salt, pepper, italian seasoning, maybe fresh basil), garlic, and a hint of butter.  The ingredients made it seem like I was making pork chops for breakfast.  It ended up being very tasty combination of flavors, although I think the pork could have used a little more salt. And the final meat product was slightly pink, so it could have used a few more minutes in the pan.  In my defense, I didn't have a lid for the skillet, and so I had to go ghetto gourmet (thanks Coolio!) and use a baking pan to trap the heat.  Sometimes you just need to  make due with what you've got.  

2.  Green Beans With Almonds

1pound green beans, trimmed

1/4 cup slivered blanched almonds

2 tbsp butter or margarine

Salt and pepper.

In a saucepan, cook green beans in salted boiling water to cover for 7 minutes or until just tender.  Drain and set aside in a serving dish.  In a small skillet, saute almonds in butter until lightly browned.  Toss beans with almonds and butter mixture.  Add salt and pepper to taste.  Serves 4.

Thoughts:  I could have made this without consulting a recipe.  I chose this simple recipe to balance out the more involved pork chop recipe. Surprisingly, DOLECORP couldn't find a way to squeeze in any pineapple.  This is also the beginning of the butter avalanche.  I was getting nervous with the amount the recipe called for.  Regarding the almonds:  there was NO WAY I was going to pay for sliced almonds at like $6/bag.  I had a container of whole salted almonds (thanks to my dad, who got a 'great deal' on a case of almonds at BJs, large enough to end hunger in Africa), and I figured I would chop them up.  In the blender they went!  Dan and I learned pretty fast that blenders are not an ideal way to chop your nuts. He had way more nuts to chop than I did.  End result: just what I was expecting as a side. Although the nuts were more lump-shaped than slivered. Oh well - we saved $6!

3.  Pecan Squares

Crust:
2/3 cup powdered sugar
2 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup butter or margarine, softened (yes, 1 cup, folks)

Topping:
2/3 cup butter or margarine (for those keeping score at home, that's 1 2/3 cups!)

1/2 cup honey
3 tbsp whipping cream
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
3 1/2 cups pecans, coarsely chopped

To make crust, preheat oven to 350F.  Grease a 13x9 baking pan.  Sift powdered sugar and flour into a bowl. Cut in butter until fine crumbs form.  Pat mixture evenly over bottom of prepared pan.  Bake in preheated oven 20 minutes. Remove pan from oven.

To make topping, combine butter, honey, whipping cream, and brown sugar in a bowl.  Stir until well-blended. Stir in pecans.  Spread topping evenly over baked crust.  Return to oven for 25 minutes.  Remove pan to wire rack and let cool completely before cutting into squares.  Makes 36 squares.

Thoughts:  There's no way Kenny Rogers has lived to the golden age of 75 by consuming this much butter.  This recipe should have been called Butter Your Corpse Squares.  So. Much. Butter.  If that doesn't kill you, the brown sugar, whipping cream, honey, or powdered sugar could all be your coup de grace.  It's like standing in front of a firing squad - lots of guns, but you never know which one will end up firing the live round.

Like the almonds, pecans are expensive!  Buying the two bags the recipe called for cost me $16.  Maybe I should have instead made the dessert with my bulk case of almonds.  I don't know how anyone can afford nut recipes.  Even worse,  I don't know why restaurants and diners that sell pecan pies don't market it like lobster or caviar.

Even though the recipe says 'makes 36 squares', if, like us, you don't wait for it to cool completely, it's more like 'makes 5 2/3 squares, and a bucket of candied pecan crumbled mess'.  Regardless of the shape, it was delicious - like eating a stick of butter covered in nuts and sugar.  This was Dan's baby as I was cooking dinner, and he totally rocked it.

And on to dinner:

Verdict:  This dinner was great, and  the cooking keeps getting better!  We had a couple Dot Ales from Dan's local 'hood to wash everything down.  I also added a couple baked potatoes. The only thing I'd change about this dinner is keeping the pork chops on the skillet for an extra 3 minutes.  Or maybe buy a skillet with a lid.

Dan proved that if his current job falls through, he can always make pecan-based desserts.  There's nothing he pe-can't do - like Kenny Rogers.

Grades:

Cookbook Variety: A- (very good variety, if you have a high threshold for pineapple and butter)
Cost: C- (pecans were 80% of the cost. Pick a different dessert if you're a cheapskate.  Or have a nut allergy)
Ease & Time of Preparation: A (very easy to make, if you have 2 people)
Taste: A- (pork needed a bit more salt.  Everything else great.)

Overall Grade: A- 

#3: Excuse Me - Is This Chicken Parm...Gutten-Free?

Cooking Prep:  Although I made a point to stay away from celebrity compilation cookbooks, I was shocked and delighted to come across one particular celebrity who had actually made a compilation cover:  Mr. Steven Guttenberg.  

Steve Guttenberg was America's Sweetheart during the '80s - Police Academy 1-17, Cocoon, 3 Men & A Baby (highest-grossing movie of 1987), Short Circuit (highest-grossing robot-themed movie of 1986) - every swing he took was a home run.  If you needed a hit, Guttenberg's phone number was at the front of every Hollywood executive's rolodex. He was a goofy everyman that just made you happy about being alive. 

And then 1990 happened, and the Gutten-magic ended.  For 5 years, Guttenberg didn't make a single movie. I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I'm sure it's no coincidence that horrible things like Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, Robocop 2, Point Break, stone-washed jeans, and hypercolor t-shirts all emerged during this Guttenberg movie vacuum - it was society's coping mechanism for a Gutten-free world.  I'm convinced that Steve Guttenberg's career should have followed the same type of trajectory as Tom Hanks. Similarly famous actors in the 80s - but then Hanks took his career to the next level when he made Sleepless in Seattle and Philadelphia, and Guttenberg stayed home.

Today, Steve Guttenberg is synonymous with 'direct to video'.  I promise you, any movie he's made after 1995 - and there have been well over 30 - you will not have heard of.  You may, however, have seen him as a reoccurring character in a few episodes of Veronica Mars in 2006.  Or perhaps you caught him in a 2007 episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent? If you are so inclined, you can get caught up with Steve's life through his recently-released autobiography The Guttenberg Bible. 

Since this is a compilation cookbook, I will also be cooking recipes by Dolly Parton and Joan Lunden.  But let's be honest - this post is all about Guttenberg.

Cookbook:

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something feels terribly wrong about a group of celebrities 'cooking up an end to childhood hunger'. Apparently selling 8 copies of this book was a better option than opening their wallets.  I guess every little bit helps.  Hopefully Jeff Bridges threw a giant party on his third yacht to thank everyone for 'chipping in.'

The actual recipes are as diverse as the collection of celebrities.  Appetizers, sides, mains, desserts - a large selection with a wide range of difficulty and complexity.  Released in 2001, many of the celebrities in this book are still relevant, or at the very least are on the fringe of relevancy.  Having Guttenberg on the cover may have actually been pushing it as he was probably on his 10th or 11th 'direct to video' movie at that point.  

Cooking Soundtrack:  Police Academy Soundtrack (1984), Cocoon Soundtrack (1985)

Theme for the Evening:  Pick any Guttenberg pun.  

Assistance:  Kelly Muse - long time friend, multi-talented musician, current 'Splashy Fish' record holder. Carolyn Nishon - girlfriend of Kelly, multi-talented photographer, former 'Splashy Fish'             record holder. Both came down from Portland to assist in cooking!

Recipes:

1. Joan Lunden's Butternut Squash Soup

Preparation Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour

1 medium butternut squash (about 2 1/2 lbs)
1 tablespoon butter or margarine
1 medium onion, chopped
1 teaspoon to 1 tablespoon grated fresh ginger
3 cups chicken broth
Salt and pepper, to taste
6 tablespoons low-fat sour cream, for garnish
6 apple slices, for garnish

1.  Preheat oven to 400F. Halve squash lengthwise, discard seeds.  

2. Arrange squash halves, cut-side-down, on baking pan coated with nonstick cooking spray.

3. Bake 40 minutes, or until very tender; remove from oven and let cool. Remove pulp from skin.

4.  Meanwhile, in saucepan over medium heat, melt butter or margarine.  Add onion and ginger; cook five minutes, or until onion is tender.  

5. Add broth and simmer, covered, 10 minutes. Add squash pulp; mix well.

6.  In blender or food processor, process squash mixture until smooth.  Return soup to saucepan and add 1 to 2 cups water to reach desired consistency;  heat through over low heat.  

7. Garnish, if desired, with low-fat sour cream and apple slices.

Thoughts: This was 'soup'er easy to make. It's really fun watching squash turn into soup in a blender!  I forgot to purchase the ginger (it camouflaged itself in my shopping basket), and so we scoured the house looking for ginger ale, Sprite or any other comparably-flavored substitute. This was obviously a terrible panic move, and in the end we thankfully didn't overcompensate. The soup came out very well, and I would say that the ginger is not essential to the soup. Neither is the sour cream, especially if you happen to have a lactose intolerant roommate. Unfortunately for Whitney, we DID put some in, and she just stared at us as we slurped it down and loudly remarked at how good it turned out.  The 40 minutes of cooking time in the oven bought us the time we needed to prepare the main dish and the dessert.  Bottom line - Joan Lunden knows her way around a gourd. 

2. Steve Guttenbergs's No-fry Chicken Parmesan

Preparation Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 30 minutes

4 boneless, skinless chicken-breast halves (about 1 1/2 lbs)

1 egg, beaten

3/4 cup Italian-seasoned dry bread crumbs

3 1/4 cups (26-ounce jar) marinara sauce

1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese 

1.  Preheat oven to 400F.  Dip chicken breasts in egg, then bread crumbs, coating well.

2.  In a 13x9 glass baking dish, arrange chicken in a single layer.  Bake, uncovered, 20 minutes.  

3.  Pour sauce over chicken, then top with cheese.  Bake an additional 10 minutes, or until chicken is no longer pink.

Serving suggestion:  Serve on top of steaming spaghetti or linguini.

Thoughts:  This is about as basic as recipes come, and you really can't screw up chicken parm.  It's always very tasty and comforting, but most of the flavor in this case comes from knowing this is a Steve Guttenberg recipe.  That said, I'm hoping he didn't quit his day job to perfect this recipe.  Kelly and Carolyn tackled the majority of this one, as I was busy fighting with Dolly Parton's dessert.  Bottom line:  If you're looking for a starter recipe to teach your 4 year old how to cook, this might be the one.  The recipe is not amazing, but it Guttenough. We served it over fettucini.

2. Dolly Parton's Islands in the Stream

Preparation Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 35 minutes

Chill Time: 1 hour

3 eggs, separated
1 cup sugar, divided
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
4 cups milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg (optional)

1.  In medium bowl, with electric mixer at medium speed, beat egg yolks with 2/3 cup sugar until light and smooth.  Beat in flour; set aside.
2.  In small saucepan, heat milk just until boiling.  With wire whisk or fork, slowly stir in egg mixture and cook, stirring constantly 20 minutes, or until thickened.  Remove from heat and stir in vanilla.  Pour custard into serving bowl.  Cover with plastic wrap pressed onto surface to prevent skin from forming, then refrigerate at least 1 hour, or until ready to serve.
3.  Before serving, in medium bowl, with electric mixer at high speed, beat egg whites with the remaining 1/3 cup sugar until stiff.
4. Fill a nonstick skillet three-quarters full with water. Bring to a boil.
5.  To make meringues, drop egg whites by tablespoonfuls into boiling water.  Cook 3 minutes, or until cooked and hardened, turning once.  With slotted spoon, remove meringues and arrange on custard mixture.
6. Sprinkle with nutmeg. Chill until ready to serve.

Thoughts: What. A. Mess. Easily my biggest cooking fail so far. At least I think I failed. To the left is what it was supposed to look like, and I think I accurately followed the recipe.  I mean, I didn't have a mixer, and it did boil over once (right picture) during a mental lapse during which I became bored with stirring for 20 minutes straight...but other than that it seemed to go pretty well.  I thought I was on the right track when I put it in the fridge to cool.  By the way - I have no idea what kind of Super Fridge Dolly Parton has installed in her house, but it took much longer than an hour for this to chill in my fridge.  This happened around the three hour mark when Kelly and Carolyn were just about asleep. But I'll talk about that a little later.  WHILE the custard was chilling, we had our feast:

 The food - and company - was great.  Well after dinner, during my last custard check, I determined that it wasn't thickening into a custard like I thought it should. My general impression of custard is that it is supposed to have a Jello pudding-like consistency. My concoction ended up being more like a thick vanilla-ey sugar sauce.  It's hard to tell from the book's picture if it more liquid or solid. I guess I'll never know.  

As far as I can tell, the islands in the stream were supposed to represented by the meringue. Too bad I never got as far as step #3, and just ended up with a whole lotta stream.  To save the sinking ship on this sadness stream, I put the bowls in the freezer to make a frozen custard and went to bed.  

The following morning, the first thing we all did was check the custard.  After brewing coffee, of course.  The custard turned out great! Old timey ice cream at it's best.  Since none of us really wanted to eat a bowl of ice cream at 9am, we decided instead to use it as coffee creamer. 

Dolly Parton's Islands in the Stream recipe can suck it. I've decided to rename it No Fail Polar Vortex Custard.  You won't be disappointed.

*    *    *

Verdict:  This was fun! Cooking can often seem very daunting (especially for someone like me, who considers two veggie burger patties and a baked potato to be dinner), but when you actually make the time to identify a recipe, buy the ingredients, and cook, it's actually a piece of cake.  Sometimes it ends up being less work in the long run, because you can have leftovers for up to two or three days - instead of cooking meal to meal.

Two of the three recipes I chose were easy and solid, and we managed to salvage the dessert.  I'd probably try to substitute in a different dessert, but otherwise I am very happy with how everything turned out. My only regret was discovering only too late a Kenny Loggins pasta recipe - I would love to have cooked it, but unfortunately it would have meant taking us into the Danger Zone with an additional entree.  If he had instead offered up an appetizer or a dessert, The Guttenberg-Loggins meal would have been THE BEST CELEBRITY RECIPES COMBO OF ALL TIME.    

Grades:

Cookbook Variety: A- (lots of different recipes - the compilation factor takes it down a notch) 

Cost: A (everything was made with inexpensive, easy to find ingredients)

Ease & Time of Preparation: B+  (easy to make, and we were able to cook concurrently. F-ing Islands in the Stream keeps this from being an A-)

Taste: A- (Gutten tasty)

Overall Grade: A- (butternut squash soup and chicken parm is a delicious combo)

#2: Cookin' With Coolio (and Molly)

Cooking Prep: Has any one rapper secured more notoriety by doing less? That's the question I asked myself while ordering his cookbook on Amazon.  I first became aware of Coolio and his funky spiked braids during the mid-90s, with the arrival of his first hit song Fantastic Voyage.  The video represented the lighter side of gangsta rap, and the plot is summed up really, really, really nicely on wikipedia:

The music video features Coolio napping on his front porch, when he gets a phone call from his friend Spoon that wakes him. Spoon asks about taking a trip to the beach, to which an annoyed Coolio responds "we ain't got no car" and hangs up on him. Suddenly a mysterious man with a 70's style suit, afro, and cane appears and turns the bicycle sitting upside down on his Coolio's driveway into a convertible car. Now with a means of transportation, Coolio and his crew head to the beach. The rest of the video features Coolio at the beach helping the crowd of passengers out of the trunk of the car for a beach party, which includes people of all races and a mariachi band. At the end of the video, the car is transformed back into a bicycle on Coolio's driveway, and Coolio is woken again by a phone call from Spoon, showing that the trip was all a dream. Coolio reminds him that they don't have a car, tells him to quit calling, and hangs up. Then Coolio looks at the bike to see the car's license plate hanging off of the bike. 

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when this video idea was pitched to Coolio.  Let us not forget, however, that gangsta rap video plots usually involved parties and road trips (usually in bouncing cars) with your homies, so the plot of Fantastic Voyage is not far from the gangsta norm.

A year later, Gangsta's Paradise was released, which ended up being one of the biggest rap hits of all time.  While it was certainly a catchy tune, I was a bigger fan of Weird Al's spoof Amish Paradise.  It's probably important to note that the success of both of these songs relied on the hard work and creative energy Coolio put into 'sampling' Lakeside's song of the same name, and Stevie Wonder's Pastime Paradise.  I bring this point up for 3 reasons: 1) I've always believed sampling is the LAMEST form of musical art - get your ass to the studio and learn how to come up with melodies and rhythms on your own! 2) Pastime Paradise is a great song (off one of the best albums of all time) and should NOT be overshadowed by Coolio's facsimile. 3) Lakeside's official Fantastic Voyage video is 3 MINUTES AND 48 SECONDS OF SPARKLY FUNK PIRATES PERFORMING ON A STAGE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIRATE SHIP (I hyperlinked it above for mobile users, but embedded below for easy access - it's THAT good):

 Yet another idea I would have loved to see pitched to a band.  Apparently the only way to get to the 'land of funk' is via pirate ship.  

Coolio was off the grid after Gangsta's Paradise...until his cookbook.  This time lapse is represented below in pictures that prove not even Coolio can defeat Father Time:

Coolio

Not so-Coolio

 In addition to cooking, nowadays Coolio and his jazz saxophonist friend Jarez (also a contributor to the cookbook) spend their time visiting colleges to talk about the harms of global warming.  I'm not making this up - it's on Wikipedia so it must be true.  Funny enough, one of the first lines of his cookbook is 'my specialty is making something out of nothing'. So true, Coolio.  So true.

Cookbook:

It was pointed out to me by Molly that an internet source claims that this is the #8th worst item you can possibly purchase on Amazon.  After using the book - spoiler alert - I beg to differ (especially since a Nicholas Cage Pillowcase is ranked at a surprisingly low #25 on this same list).  I think this book has some very solid and fun recipes, and I would have been happy to select several ones other than the three I ended up choosing.  The recipes are easy to follow, and the book is laced with profanity, drug references, and poor grammar - exactly what I look for in a cookbook. If you're looking to be a 'kitchen pimp', this will point you in the right direction. He 'may not be an iron chef, but he's the only chef with platinum records.' 

Cooking Soundtrack:  Lucius' album Wildewoman, and Coolio's Greatest Hits (all two of them)

Theme for the Evening:  'If you can't take the heat get yo' ass out the kitchen...we're on a mission!' - Fantastic Voyage

Assistance:  Molly McMahon - friend, coworker, cooking enthusiast.

Recipes (3):

1. Simple-Ass Mozzarella Salad (or ' Mozzarella for the Pimpish Fella')

How long it takes: one half of a half of an hour
How much it makes: as a side, this'll serve 4

What you need:
1 head iceberg lettuce
1 cup dice, chopped, or shredded mozzarella cheese
1 large tomato, chopped
1/2 cup olive oil
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
1 dime bag salt
1 dime bag pepper

What to do with it:

1. Take your motherfucking fress-ass iceberg lettuce and split the head in half with a knife.

2. Cut it in half again! You've got yourself 4 wedges of lettuce now.

3. Cut each half in half. Half of a half of a half makes eight. Come on people, some basic math here!

4. Lastly, slice them 8 wedges across horizontally. This will give you some thin, finely shredded lettuce.

5. Now, if you want to save some time, then just go buy some of that pre-shredded mozzarella cheese. Coolio ain't always got time to shred.

6. Clean off that large, juicy red tomato and chop it up.

7. Toss all of you tomato, mozzarella, and lettuce into a large serving bowl.

8. Drizzle in your olive oil.

9. Toss in that balsamic vinegar.

10. Take those dime bags of salt and pepper and do it up to taste.

11. Toss, serve and enjoy. Damn that was easy.

2. Chicken a la Jarez Marsalala
How long it takes: 15 to prep, 30 to jazz it up
How much it makes: enough for 4 people to experience the Marsalalization

What you need:
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 cup white wine
1/2 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup olive oil
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1/2 medium white onion, chopped
1 cup sliced mushrooms
4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

What to do with it:

1. Take a nice-size bowl out of the cupboard and put it down on the counter, looking at all the fine-ass ingredients around you

2. Now, mix up your flour, salt, pepper, white wine, and lemon juice. Mix it up real well to make sure there are no lumps in the flour.

3. While you're letting all that stuff coagulate, pour your olive oil into a large skillet and set the fire to medium.

4. Once that oil's got some heat, throw in your garlic, onion, and all of those mushrooms.

5. Let that all heat up for 3 to 4 minutes, until the onion gets a little soft. While it's doin' that, coat your chicken with them wet ingredients we made earlier. Splash them around in a bowl to make sure everything gets covered all over.

6. Toss that chicken in the pan along with the mushrooms and all those delicious aromatics, and then pour in the wine mixture the chicken was in. Let it cook up for 7 to 9 minutes on each side, until all the pink is gone.

7. Now's the time to transfer that chicken into a baking dish. Did I mention that you should preheat the oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit? No? All right, I'm telling you now. Do it!

8. Sprinkle that delicious Parmesan cheese onto your chicken as it waits patiently in its baking dish nest. Toss that flappy bitch into the oven and let it brown for 7 to 9 minutes.

9. Grab all that deliciousness out of the oven and serve it by itself or with some pasta. Now your chicken is hotter than a hummingbird on fire. Damn!

3. Jarez Make-It-Rain Peanut Butter Cookies

How long it takes: 10 min to prep, 15 to 20 to bake, bake, bake
How much it makes: about 100 cookies

What you need:

1 cup peanut butter (I'd recommend all-natural if you can find it)
1 cup brown sugar
1 large egg
2 tablespoons ground cinnamon
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract

What to do with it:

1. Get your crazy-ass oven preheated to a hot 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Combine all the ingredients into a large motherfuckin' mixing bowl.

3. Get about a teaspoonful of dough and drop it like it's hot onto a greased-up cookie sheet.

4. Bake these all up for 15 to 20 minutes. When you take 'em out, let them cill, serve them up, and impress the ladies.

*    *    *

  I decided to go with a salad, a main, and a desert. I figured the prepared chicken dish would be too heavy to  include a Coolio appetizer. The only one I really wanted to make anyway was the bacon-wrapped scallops, but that would definitely be too much. So salad it was. And the cookies would be easy to make, as I already had most of the ingredients. My goal with all of these recipes is to not destroy my grocery budget every week, and these three were very cost-efficient.

Before starting, Molly and I needed to make a run to the local Harvest Co-op down the road from my apartment to get some chicken breasts and wine. The official slogan for this place should be 'The Only Thing We Really Harvest is Your Disposable Income'. I also grabbed a bag of fancy chips so that we could finish off Ted Nugent's Santa Fe Soup...thanks to my coworker Sam, who pointed out, to my dismay, that this was actually a recipe for cheese dip. 

I ate this dip as soup for dinner on Monday!

This actually makes a very tasty dip.  It also makes a very tasty 'anything but soup'.   Molly suggested replacing the hamburg with spicy shredded chicken and serving it up with tortilla chips. Mmmmm!

Molly prepared the salad while I supervised her preparing the salad:

After I confirmed the salad was in good shape, I prepped the chicken, fried it up, and put it in the oven:

Prepwork was as easy as Coolio indicated it would be.  Working with someone else, the salad and marsalala took about 45 minutes from starting to serving.  This is probably the most complicated and satisfying dish I've ever made.  I was cooking with wine, folks!  Thanks Coolio!

Voila!  Delicious chicken marsalalalalala! Dinner is served.  Of course, this dinner isn't complete without Coolio's cookies:

NOT brownies

Verdict: I was nervous about the amount of wine and lemon I had added to the chicken.  When testing the concoction in the frying pan, the sauce tasted more like crushed up Sweet Tarts than a marsala.  I checked the recipe and the measuring cups a few times to make sure I didn't confuse 1/4 with 1/3.  The final served product couldn't have been better.  In fact, we were all in disbelief while eating.  We had assumed that Coolio would offer up terrible recipies, and laugh all the way to the bank.  As we ate, apprehension gave way to raised eyebrows and head nods...and relief.  This was actually a good meal!

The salad was a great complement.  The only regret I have is not having another side - like a pilaf or potato - to round out the meal.  Which is unfortunate, because I had 2 5lb bags of potatoes taking up space in my kitchen.  The cookies went pretty fast, and I had to wait for the second batch to come out of the oven to have enough to photograph.  

Grades:

Cookbook Variety: a VERY surprising A- (bumped up from a B+ because it's laced with profanity)
Cost: A- (Harvest - and the wine - made the meal a bit more expensive, but generally very affordable if one substitutes in Charles Shaw and Stop & Shop)
Ease & Time of Preparation: B (easy to make, but 45 minutes total time)
Taste: A- (Yum! coulda used another side)


Overall Grade: A- (very pleased with how everything turned out)

Bonus Grade:

Utensil Efficiency: F+

Somehow Molly and I had used almost every utensil in the apartment to make 3 simple recipes.  I think the ratio of utensils to dishes was about 17:1

#1: Ted Nugent's Santa Fe Soup

Cooking Prep: Ted Nugent is about as 'merican as 'merican gets.  Forged on a cold winter Detroit night  in 1948, legend has it that he emerged from the womb with a hunting bow in one hand and a guitar in the other.  You probably know Ted from his wildly successful 70's hits Cat Scratch Fever and Stranglehold, but he's also a founding member of the late-80's 'supergroup' Damn Yankees (with co-founders Jack Blades of Night Ranger and Tommy Shaw of Styx). This short clip sums up Ted Nugent better than words (production quality and all):

I didn't know bow hunting was allowed in middle school gymnasiums

Ted may be a bit older today, but he's just as active. He can be found (or not found) in the wilds hunting anything that moves (probably bordering on Most Dangerous Game territory), hanging out with Glen Beck at tea party rallies, advocating for gun rights on any Fox show that will have him as a guest, choking out PETA members, and selling out middle school gymnasiums while on tour.  And also penning delectable cookbooks with his wife Shemane.

Cookbook:

$4.94 on Amazon may have been a reach

For my first cooking challenge, it appeared that I was in way over my head.  I honestly thought Ted Nugent would balance out the wild game recipes with normal recipes like deviled eggs or peach cobbler.  Nope.  Thumbing through the pages was like a walk through a taxidermy shop: deer, elk, pheasant, duck, moose, black bear, wild boar...even squirrels.  And he really did emphasize the 'Kill It' part of the book title, with helpful tips on how to skin and prepare your own animals for cooking.  Mercifully, the second-to-last recipe Ted (or most likely his wife) included in the book was for Santa Fe Soup - just about the only recipe that didn't call on me to turn my kitchen into a butcher shop. 

Cooking Soundtrack: Ted Nugent's album Hunt Music (2012)

Assistance:  I will be doing this recipe solo, as it's very simple...and I would never endanger my friends with the amount of processed cheese for which this recipe calls.

Recipe: Santa Fe Soup

This might be one of the easiest recipes of all time.  Prep time took about 5 minutes - three minutes to open a few canned ingredients and chop an onion, and two more to find an 'appropriate' Ted Nugent album on Spotify.  Please note the 'ground beast' ingredient.  I chose to interpret this as 'ground beef', but god knows what else Ted Nugent could have been hunting in Santa Fe when he came up with horror show.  Realistically, this recipe should be called cheese soup, mostly from the 1LB VELVEETA CHEESE BRICK that it calls for. I even checked the side of the Velveeta box a couple times for a Surgeon General's warning before adding it to the rest of the ingredients:  

One brick of Velveeta cheese is roughly the equivalent of 843 Kraft 'singles', which in turn is roughly the equivalent of a horribly painful gastrointestinal death.  The red ingredient that you see in the top left picture under the cheese brick is Ro-tel.  Ro-tel is a lazy man's cooking salsa; hardly a Velveeta recipe goes without it, essentially making it Dr. Jekyll to Velveeta's Mr. Hyde.  

After 'heating through', I guess we have dinner:

Verdict:  It tastes exactly like how you'd expect soup made with a Velveeta cheese brick to taste.  Like Cheeseburger Helper.  Otherwise, it's a bit bland, and I had to use some Sriracha sauce and some salt and pepper to liven it up.  Once I did that it upgraded to spicy Cheeseburger Helper. Don't get me wrong - there's a time and a place for this type of comfort food, although I had a hard time forgetting about the 700 calories/spoonful.  I guess if you're out in the field bow hunting moose and boar like Ted Nugent, you tend to burn a few more calories.  The only hunting I do happens between the deli and the meat department of the local Stop and Shop.  I took Ted's advice and ate it with Food Should Taste Good tortilla chips. This combination is like a hobo wearing a top hat, and the tortilla chips were definitely the belle of this ball.  

Grades:

Cookbook Variety: F+ (A+++ if I bow hunted)

Cost: A- (a brick of Velveeta is not as inexpensive as one might think.  Minimal ingredients, however)

Ease & Time of Preparation: A+

Taste: C- (this is the hospice care of comfort foods.  Watch out!)

Overall Grade: C+ (A- if I bow hunted)

#10 YOGA CHALLENGE IS COMPLETE

January's (and part of February's) task complete - 10 yoga classes are done!

For number 10, I went back to Blissful Monkey's $5 Community Yoga class on Saturday afternoon.  A new instructor, but the same result as before - great class!  I was able make my way through the entire hour successfully completing most of the poses.  It seems like the shorter (and less expensive) the yoga class, the more I enjoy it. More important, I think the target demographic of this class is 'homeless people who wander into the studio for warmth', and so I have a greater level of expertise than the people with whom I take the class.

This is how I felt when I walked out:

Don't you, forget about completing the yoga challenge!

Some observations I've made about yoga -and myself - throughout this whole process:

1.  Despite what almost everyone has been happy to advise me prior to starting this challenge, I am no more flexible now than I was when I started a month ago.  Further to that, I think you can only marginally improve flexibility if your body type prevents your from getting into 50%+ of the poses to begin with.  Having a stocky frame, wide shoulders and shorter arms and legs just makes some poses physically impossible.  It's hard to improve what you cannot even do...

2.  ...and that's OK.  If I've learned anything from yoga (aside from 'keep your toenails clipped at all times') it's that yoga is an individual, non-competitive practice. No one in any of my classes (except perhaps me, at the onset) was ever trying to best or 'out-pose' anyone else. It's impossible to do so most of the time anyway, as many of the poses leave you panting face down on the mat in a puddle of sweat, unable to see your neighbor. If I were to sum it up, I'd say that the ideal goal of yoga is to attain a mental and physical balance while maintaining a level of difficulty that is both comfortable and fitness level-appropriate to each individual yogi.  While this 'everyone gets a trophy' mentality has always been counterintuitive to my competitive sensibilities, I have learned to be OK with it.  I would be especially OK with it if, like after most youth athletic competitions, the yoga instructor took the whole class out to get ice cream after.

One of the articles that I wish I had discovered prior to beginning this challenge was Yoga Travel Tree's 'How to Start Doing Yoga If You're A Newbie'. It certainly would have helped manage my expectations from the onset, instead of during these post-challenge musings. (I highly recommend it for anyone considering a dip into yoga)

3.  Yoga is a self-selecting process.  From my observations of the 10-20% of individuals who broke through the 'New Year's resolution short attention span' wall and continued with yoga after the first couple classes, almost all of them demonstrated a high level of yoga aptitude (flexible, good balance, etc).  I think the better one is with an activity (and conversely, the less negative resistance one faces when trying a new activity), the more likely one is to enjoy it and continue.  I will readily admit that I would have quit around class three if I hadn't set the goal of ten classes.  

4.  Enya must thank the heavens each and every day that yoga has exploded with popularity.  Her New Age sound is THE soundtrack to most of the classes I've taken - with a little sitar thrown in.  It's so monotonous that I find myself focusing on it and getting annoyed.  I think I'd be more relaxed and calm listening to a 'rain on metal roof' sound effect, or even listening to Ben Stein read a speech.  

5.  While I don't like the standard yoga price points, I can certainly understand it.  After considering the cost of classroom space, the instructor's time and the intimate size of each class, $15 seems quite reasonable.  Given this cost and the individual nature of yoga, I wasn't surprised when I Googled 'Yoga Online' and found about 15,000 entries.  In retrospect, I probably should have tried one of these University of Phoenix yoga classes to compare to the in-person experience.  Maybe I'd have an associate's degree in yoga right now, with a minor in TV/VCR repair.

That being said, I can't see myself paying more than $5 for a yoga class in the future.  I would, however, spend a little extra money on a gym membership that included yoga classes.

6. Men and yoga.  I think maybe an average of 15-20% of my classmates were male, although that skewed a bit higher in the very intro classes.  I'm not completely sure why we don't represent well in yoga, although I do have some theories:

a) I think most men have a more narrow view on exercise, and generally seek out more aggressive, competitive, and goal-oriented opportunities.

b) I don't think men put as high a premium on maintaining a healthy mental/physical balance.

cat yoga!

c) A more subtle theory, and may likely influence a) and b):  If you Google 'yoga', 90% of the results contain images of one or more females doing yoga, while 75% of these images look like either a fabric softener or feminine hygiene commercial.  Not exactly great marketing imagery if a goal is to appeal equally to both sexes.  Even going through the pictures on local yoga studio websites reveals a strong female bias.  (During my 'research', I also found one lone adorable picture of a cat doing yoga.  Apparently there are lots of cat photos and videos on the interwebs?)

To shift how yoga may be perceived from a 'female-only' activity, I think it is important to approach the marketing from a different perspective: what do males value through physical and mental health activities, and how would yoga help a male to achieve those goals?  I think if the messaging to males changed, we'd notice the barriers to 'bro-ga' drop faster than the ceilings and walls in the Sochi Olympic Village.

That is, if increasing the number of male participants in a yoga class is even a good thing.  We tend to break things, make a disproportionate amount of messes, and make everything smell worse. No doubt, Enya would soon get replaced with Pantera and Nine Inch Nails.

7.  Beginner classes come in all shapes and sizes.  While this variation frustrated my ability to evaluate how I'm faring through comparison, I just needed to remind myself that it's non-competitive, and successful yoga isn't about establishing benchmarks.  I do wish that Blissful Monkey offered more than two beginner classes a week - I think they'd be able to attract many more students. And selfishly, I would have finished this challenge sooner.

8.  Yoga instructors also come in many different instruction styles. If there are any yoga instructors out there reading this, take heed:  please explain a yoga maneuver in full before the yogis start doing it, not during!  Other  than that, all of the instructors I've had have been very helpful, calm, and focused on the needs of the class. It's even possible that I've gotten slightly less terrible at listening.  

9.  Don't forget to spray and wipe down your mat - I can't stress this enough.  Otherwise, horribly noxious smells will eventually overwhelm you, probably between classes 7 and 8.  Through this cleaning process, I've discovered that I really, really like the smell of mat spray - it's like a combination between Windex and Skittles.  Had I discovered it a month ago, I'd be spraying down my mat 5 or 6 times a class, just to get a few huffs in to stop the shakes.  Definitely should be in the running for the next car air freshener or a Yankee Candle.

10.  Except for the last class, I found myself performing yoga more than I was experiencing it.  I'm not sure if this is normal (perhaps for yoga newbies?), but I think I spent a large portion of each class either watching the instructor or watching other yogis. I rarely focused on myself, and I almost never focused on breathing unless the instructor explicitly called attention to it. Looking inward - is that a thing?  Certainly didn't do any of that, either.  I have a hard time shutting my brain down, and I think it would take at least 100 yoga classes to block at least a few of my thoughts out.  Perhaps it takes a certain personality to accomplish this.  Like the audience volunteers at a hypnosis show who can get hypnotized and act like chickens on a stage.  I couldn't allow myself to do that, either.

What now? 

While I'm glad that I experienced yoga and am especially proud of myself for making it to the finish line, I'm not sure I'll be going much farther with my practice.  First, the cost of yoga is prohibitive - now that I've relocated to Jamaica Plain (rent's gone up 30%), I have very little disposable income that I can put towards exercise, outside of a gym membership.  I also found that on a few days when I needed to do yoga to meet this goal, I really wanted to go running instead.  This is telling.

As I mentioned earlier, I believe that people who are good at yoga really end up liking it because it is an activity with which they can be successful.  I think if I was more flexible, I would really enjoy the benefits from it. As it stands, I am not, and I don't have a strong desire to continue - although I may do an occasional $5 when it conveniently fits into my schedule.  

*   *   *

Next Week...

Look for Challenge #2: Cooking D-List Celebrity recipes! I have 10 amazing/bizarre/horrifying cookbooks on their way, each guaranteeing to be more unusual than the last.  Let me know if you want to help!  There will be good food, great pics, and a few adult beverages.  You just need to make it down to Jamaica Plain...