#3: Downward Facing Slob

(Warning: This blog entry contains a level of profanity that most first-time yogis will find completely acceptable)

Done. Finished. Class 1 of 10 complete. But before I get into that...

When I first made the resolution to complete 10 classes this month,  I knew the initial step was to decide upon a yoga studio.  But where? Judging by the number of yoga mat shoulder slings that errantly whack me in the face while I'm commuting home from work on the Orange Line, I knew that there must be at least a couple studios in my neighborhood.  A quick Yelp search confirmed that.  I've since learned that, like Starbucks in Seattle, or Dunkin Donuts right here in Boston, in Jamaica Plain you can often see another yoga studio down the road from in front of the studio where you're currently standing.

I knew I needed to find a studio as close to work and home as possible, as this would increase my chances of completing the challenge by 1000%.  With this as my primary criterion, through Yelp, the finalists ended up being Akasha Studio (Rated #1) and Blissful Monkey Yoga Studio (Rated #2). Both had similar ratings. Which did I choose?  Their logo is a hint:

I like the cut of your jib,  blissful monkey!

They had me at 'adorable monkey smelling a flower'. Plus, how hard could yoga endorsed by a monkey be? After seeing this, I really didn't dig too deep into Akasha Studio, especially when I uncovered a sweet first-timer deals on the Blissful Monkey Studio website.  As luck would have it, they also had a Gentle Yoga For Beginners class happening the following day (Tuesday) - this was exactly what I was looking for to not completely hate the first class. Blissful Monkey, let's do this!

Through Yelp and the Blissful Monkey Studio website, I learned that the type of yoga the studio primarily practices is called vinyasa.  For those of you who need a brush-up on Sanskrit, I believe the loose English translation is 'not so fast, tubby' - at least that's my press ion of it.  If you need something less anecdotal, the 'Lulumon' website describes it: 

Vinyasa means"breath-synchronized movement," and Vinyasa yoga is a series of poses that will move you through the power of inhaling and exhaling. Vinyasa movements are smoothly flowing and almost dance-like, which explains why it is sometimes referred to as Vinyasa Flow or just Flow.

Somehow I feel like vinyasa and I will never be tight to the point where I refer to it as 'just Flow'.

Prepping the night before was easy. Seeing as I own no spandex garments (shock!), I opted for gym shorts and shirt with an alpaca on it.  I imagined that the alpaca and the blissful monkey would be in complete harmony as I lay writhing on the floor from a stretch gone gruesomely awry.  My roommate Whitney loaned me her yoga mat - a quick inspection confirmed that yes, vomit, blood, and sweat (and maybe urine - you never know) could be easily hosed off, with her not being the wiser. 

The studio itself was much smaller than I imagined - just one cramped room in a building off of Center Street - the main drag in Jamaica Plain.  The instructor (for the purpose of this blog, I will refer to her simply as 'Bec'...because that was her name) greeted me warmly with a smile and a liability waiver.  Yikes - did I accidentally sign up for full-contact yoga?

A quick survey of the crowded space contradicted my initial musings from yesterday - about half were male, mostly all were middle-aged.  From Bec's comments regarding the unusually large size of the class, I gathered that we were mostly comprised of 'resolutionites', myself included.  As I was setting up my mat in a carefully selected spot (between two people that clearly seemed more out of shape than I was), Bec came around with props - 2 foam blocks, a blanket and a nylon strap.  Clearly not your parents' yoga (although I'm pretty sure my parent's yoga would have included meat, potatoes, Miller Lite, Law & Order, and no yoga), and I was anxious to see during what horribly painful poses they would be applied.

To best chronicle the event, I'm going to provide a rough time stamp, followed by what I was doing and thinking (in italics)*:

6:00 - Breathing exercises 

This is awesome! Breathing is great and yoga is great!  10 classes will be a breeze!

6:10 - Class quickly devolves into 'child's pose' and 'downward facing dog'

Uh, this is OK, but can we get back to breathing? This is a beginner class, right?

6:15 - Planking(?) is introduced, combined with previous poses

Pushups in yoga? Shit, vinyasa is pushup yoga!

6:20 - Poses involving face-down back arches and whatnot - instructor comes around to correct pose

Jesus, how can I see the instructor's pose if my face is on the mat! It's gotta be at least 6:45 by now. I wonder how my yoga neighbor is doing. Probably better than me.

6:25 - Foam bricks are introduced...and lunges - more instructor help to correct posture.

This isn't so bad...is this the cool down? I still can't see the pose if you're behind me. What am I going to have for dinner?

6:35 - Rocking on back/spine - much, much more intense back arches/pose holding - more instructor assistance

Holy fuck this hurts! Someone...punch...me....unconcious. Can't...quit...now. How can I inhale or exhale properly if I'm too focused on trying not to die? What's the refund policy? I STILL CAN'T SEE YOU IN ORDER TO DO THIS POSE SOME GODDAMNED JUSTICE!!!!

6:45 - On-the-side arm-pull stretches (accidentally judo chops yoga neighbor when sweaty grip releases)

Finally the cool down! Good merciful Jesus...did my shoulder catch fire?

6:50 - Various nylon belt leg stretches

Props - this is the Carrot Top of yogas.  Heh heh.  What time is it? Have we gone over time?

FUCKING FOREVER - Painful fucking strange standing on tip-toes, arched, tautly balanced!

I will not cry I will not cry I will not cry...so much ouchouchouch! CANT SEE POSE WHEN I'M FUCKING STANDING ON MY TIP TOES TRYING NOT TO CRY!!!

7:05 - Gentle back arches, using rolled blanket in small of back.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I wonder if I can catch the 39 bus back to my apartment?

7:10 - QUIET NAP TIME

Wow, made it.

* Please note that everything that occurred after the 'planking' pose at 6:15 is a complete blur.  Events may be distorted, out of order, or blatantly misrepresented.

Observations

- Breathing properly in yoga is really hard, especially if you do not know the poses.  And it's really hard to learn the poses if you are face down on a mat, or face up staring at the ceiling, or lying on your side away from the instructor.  This is going to take some time - as a beginner, I felt out of sync the whole time.

- It's was hard to clear my mind of the mental countdown until the end of the class.

- Another point I was wrong about: Yoga is not necessarily a group activity - while it's done in a group, everyone approaches the activity as an individual. The mat could be seen as both a literal and figurative island.  It's also really hard to judge how you're doing in relation to you neighbor, because you're too busy looking up at the ceiling, down at the mat, or with your eyes closed. Definitely a good thing, because I would have scared off a few people who caught sight of my beached whale flopping.

- How do you keep your ass from hanging out of your shorts?  I spent half the class readjusting.  No wonder there are corporations dedicated to yoga clothes.  Maybe I should invent yoga suspenders. Yo-spenders? Suspen-gas? Work in progress.

- Despite how short my legs are, I STILL HAVE TROUBLE TOUCHING THE FLOOR WITHOUT BENDING MY KNEES??!? I am not flexible.

- Bec was great, very supportive and encouraging in a low-key way.  Props to her for somehow learning everyone's names during the class.

- I feel better about this than I did yesterday. Don't think I'm turning all squishy just yet - I'm leaving the door open to the fact that yoga could still be the worst thing on earth - especially since there are no more beginner class crutches.

1 down, 9 to to go. Next class, Thursday...